{{{
"title": "Hyperfixations",
"status": "seedling",
"planted": "2/9/2026"
}}}

Hyperfixations are one of the more counterintuitive parts of having autism. In a world where the end justifies the means, they're a godlike ability to focus on something most would find boring for hours at a time. A lot of my best work is the result of hyperfixations. Even from an external point of view, seeing someone hyperfixate on something is impressive -- in a matter of days or weeks, they can go from not knowing the basics to speaking like a professional. I think it's enjoyable too, in a way. It's nice to have something to focus on -- kills the boredom, prevents the scrolling.

Hyperfixations, in my experience, represent something different: an inescapable thought-sink that gets in the way of normal human function. I think that other autistic people might relate to this -- forgetting to eat because you've been working on something for 12 hours, physically having to pull yourself out of the magnetic field of the task, not being able to talk about anything else for weeks on end. I find myself not wanting to do anything else; just wanting to spend more time focusing on whatever has caught my fancy. This is more than  "oh I forgot to do the dishes" or even "I'm not in touch with my body". I find myself not wanting to go outside, hang out with my friends, talk to anyone (unless it's about my fixation). I lose the ability to hold a regular sleep schedule -- it's hard to get to sleep when your mind won't stop going 90mph about how you're going to do *the next big thing*.

I used to enjoy them, seek after them. When you don't have anything else to do, a hyperfixation is the perfect escape. The chance to be "productive". When you don't need to keep a sleep schedule, don't have external commitments, don't have deadlines, it's a good way to stop from going insane.

I'm writing what is quickly turning into a vent post because I just spent the entirety of my weekend on my latest hyperfixation: the [Planet Computers Cosmo Communicator](https://www3.planetcom.co.uk/cosmo-communicator). I'm writing on one now, and it's quite nice. However, this thing has been the only thing I've thought about for the past week. I spent all weekend repeatedly setting up and attempting to upgrade the Linux distribution used on it. Monday morning, after all of that work, I spent my time trying to fix the latest issue (without success). If the end justifies the means, then I've learned a ton about Linux and Android and made plenty of great progress on getting this thing to work to my liking. On the other hand, I feel hollow. I was barely a human -- I was happy when plans were delayed, had to force myself to go out with friends, barely got my laundry done (and left all of my other tasks to languish). 

I'm not sure what the conclusion of this page should be. This is one of the roughest things I've written -- I'm debating not posting it at all. I'm going to, because this garden has thorns. We'll see where it ends up.

